I want one but then I dont?

I have had 2 miscarriages at 5 weeks. It was so hard to deal with and Im not fully recovered. I thought I was but I read baby stuff or abortion stuff and get all teary. I do want a baby but then again I dont. Im not emotionally ready and neither is my body. How can I get away from the baby fever? I try focusing on me but then I thought I was pregnant but turns out Im not.So it brought back all of these emotions. I wrote a poem to my first one and the second one was like whatever. I dont want one if its not going to stay in me and in 9 months get a healthy baby. What do I do?